Hornblower The Things We DIDN'T See!
by Demus
Summary: I apologise to the Fanfiction reading world. This is a totally character bashing tale of what happens when the cameras aren't rolling. Now chapter two!
1. Part 1

I don't know why I wrote this. I just did. Any Hornblower or Bush fans should close their eyes before they read this. Thank You for your time.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Horatio Hornblower. Luckily for all of you.  
Hornblower- The Things We Didn't See

* * *

"Run her into the hull, dammit! Cripple her!"

It was 4:30 in the morning. Captain Sir Edward Pellew was exercising his impressive lungs again. This would be all well and good if his ship was engaging the enemy in a close and dangerous battle, that invariably involved Horatio Hornblower leaping around with a serious expression on his face, doing something that endangered the whole crew, then thinking up some clever plan to get them out of the mess at the last minute and at some point pulling off his shirt to dive into the water to rescue someone and returning in very tight, clinging, wet, white trousers. No surprises there then.

Unfortunately, he was asleep, and having rather disturbing dreams that involved the Indefatigable, Horatio Hornblower, a blocked sink, a French ship and a very stylish squirrel.

The sleepy bald head of Lieutenant Bracegirdle peered into the cabin to see his impressive and daring captain wrapped up in blankets thrashing around and bawling like an infant.

"No! That's my dress Susie! Give it back or I'll tell Mumsie-Wumsie on you! Waaaaaaaaah!"

The bewildered man walked over and shook Pellew awake. The man sat up and, at the speed of light got out of bed, washed, dressed, took the ship's cat for a walk, darned his socks, played a game of chess with Long John the hamster, did the laundry, dusted Bracegirdle's nose, redecorated the ship (in a tasteful 17th Century florescent orange that TOTALLY gave it more class) and revarnished his little wooden model of the Indy.

"Yes, Mr Bracegirdle, did you want something?"

"Um, well I just dropped by to say that Styles has turned into a chicken, some other guy has fallen overboard, the paint's starting to run and you're wearing a duck costume."

Pellew looked down. He was dressed in his very smart Navy uniform and sporting several Wrestling belts. There was no duck in sight.

He looked up to see his lieutenant disappear out the room saying, "Made ya look! Made ya look! Your face is covered in cow muck!"

"Why you little...!"

Too dignified to run after the man, he merely shot him. Much more hassle- free. "Note to self," he said, blowing the smoke away from the end of his pistol as he struck a 'The-name's-Bond' pose. "Stop killing off lieutenants. Promote Hornblower. Praise Hornblower. Stare at Hornblo...No, wait! Don't say that out loud! Ahem, continuing train of thought, Note to self P.S., Ignore Kennedy, no matter how sweet, noble and downright heroic he is."

*******************

Meanwhile outside, practising for when they actually encountered the enemy...

"FIYAH!"

"FIYAH!"

"FIYAH!"

"FOIRE!"

Archie Kennedy, Horatio Hornblower and Some Other Guy turned to a slightly confused William Bush, and burst out laughing. (The fact that Bush was on the Indefatigable anyway was quite a coincidence. It's a long story. It began in the summer of '69...*voice grows indistinct and more agreeable part of Demus takes over narrative.*)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch:

"What! What are you laughing at?" cried the unfortunately voiced lieutenant.

None of them could answer, as they were currently engaged in rolling around on the floor giggling like deranged chipmunks.

After about 5 minutes, Hornblower stood up, suddenly aware that his girlish giggling was undignified and he wasn't wearing his hardass 'Emotion-is-a- weakness-must-impress-Pellew' expression. Assuming the aforementioned look, he turned and strode away, leaving Archie and Some Other Guy still acting like senile tree rodents and Mr Bush almost in tears from being ridiculed.

This bare-faced defiance of helpless laughter would have been very impressive, had he not tripped over a random coil of rope, gone flying in the direction of the mast, bounced off the sail, rolled past the group of officers and come to land in the sea.

Archie, having recovered from his hysterics, looked over the side of the ship and sighed. His friend was floundering hopelessly in the 2 foot high water. "Why didn't we remember to call the stunt double?" he said in a world-weary way, before leaping over the side and coming to Horatio's rescue.

As soon as they were on board, Captain Pellew strode up to them and dragged them both into his office/ boudoir/ cabin. Anyone who had any sense at all who was nearby blocked their ears with the nearest thing that came to hand- wax, cloth, parsley, Basil Brush (boom, boom!), Ferraris, restaurants, Styles, etc.

***************************

"WHAT THE $#%&$ WERE YOU PLAYING AT, KENNEDY? YOU COULD HAVE GOT HORNBLOWER KILLED, FOR GOD'S SAKE! I'LL NOT LOSE MEN TO NO BETTER CAUSE THAN THE SATISFACTION OF THEIR OWN SWIMMING NECESSITIES! AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR!"

Archie winced and nodded, sadly. Why does he hate me so?

*dreamy tragic music that is very tacky plays in the background. It has beautiful, sad, heart-rendering lyrics.

#'In the town, where I was born,  
There lived a man, who sailed to sea!  
And he told us of his life,  
In the land of submarines.  
We all live in a.. What the?  
What the $#%# is  
This $#&$ song about? It has  
Nothing whatsoever to do with the #$$&  
Storyline, which is $#!% enough as it is!  
Hey, don't you cut me off, I'm not finished yet..!'# *

Pellew turned his ferocious glare on the trembling and, suffice to say, rather damp Hornblower. "You sir! You are the greatest man this navy ever produced and I suspect you will continue on the road of success for many years! Now get out of my cabin and save britain, you yellow-bellied heroic hard-working lay-about, Dammit!"

Horatio and Archie jumped out of their skins, hit the ceiling, caused 1000 pound's worth of repairs, re-entered their respective skins and ran off, knocking over several small and remarkably frail old women, who just appeared out of midair.

************

Back on deck, meanwhile, Bush was trying to beat the answer as to why everyone had been laughing at him out of Some Other Guy. His eyes were glazed over in a bloody rage, he snorted steam and he was indeed terrifying to behold. His hair was sticking up as if he'd just received electric shock treatment. And after this fic, he'll probably need it. He raised a large anachronistic chainsaw, just in time to shave off Hornblower's hair as he exited the captain's cabin. (Ooops */ducks tomatoes thrown by rabid killer fangirls/*).

Archie, sighing and looking heroic YET AGAIN (authoress clutches chest and feels stroke coming on) picked up all that was left of his best friend's hair and cunningly glued it back on. With Superglue. On a rolling ship's deck. And no newspapers down. Do Not Try This At Home. This, however, was a complete waste of time because, him being the main character and all, the biased script-writers/ directors /producers decided that Hornblower had a strange ability to instantly regrow his hair.

Anyway, back to the point, not that there was one to start with, Hornblower and Archie eventually managed to pacify Bush with money, alcohol, sweets, toy row-boats, song sheets and various types of pork pie. Mr Bush was fond of pork pie. In a good way.

Suddenly out of thin air (not thick air, thin!) there came a blood chilling shout of "!"

There was a pause. Then: "LAUDANUUUUUM!"

There was another pause. Everybody blinked, confused. Their bewildered looks disappeared as Midshipman Wellard performed the Time Warp and appeared on the deck (Their bewildered looks DISAPPEARED! *Scratches head*) He immediately leapt up and proceeded to sprinkle everyone with flowers and candy, singing the Happy Song.

"Sing the happy happy happy happy happy happy song  
Sing the happy happy happy happy happy happy song  
Sing the happy happy happy happy happy happy song  
Sing the happy happy happy happy happy happy song  
Sing the happy happy happy happy happy happy song" and so on and so forth.

Bush's face was getting redder and redder. A component inside him was objecting to being strewn with pink objects. It would have the same effect as Captain-Pellew-meets-curry-with-no-liquid-in-the-vicinity. An explosion.

With that almost painful slowness that film producers like to taunt us with, Archie turned and caught sight of the man. With the customary shout of "NNNNNNNOOOOOOO!" (which he used for the sake of tradition) he bulled himself forwards and agonisingly slowly picked up Bush and ran with him to the side of the ship, unceremoniously dumping him into the water.

There was a whistling noise (not unlike a kettle) and there was a cry of "TURNIPS! WATER! I CAN'T SWIM! HELP ME! SAVE ME!"

Archie groaned at the tacky déjavu and once again plunged over the side to save a less capable man than himself.

***************  
Well? I know its strange, and awful, and character bashing, and I'm going to be set upon by a horde of Rabid Killer Fangirls...But please leave me a review. It doesn't have to be a good review. I just need help with my "Can't stop character-bashing" problem.  
Thank you!


	2. Part 2

Well, thanks to my very very generous reviewers, i have long debated and decided to force upon you a little bit more of the secret lives of our favourite sailors!

Much gratitude to:

My love, LadyBush My nemesis, nekohebi (x2) Justina Lui Budding Authoress (x2) edgy wedgy L Campagne Horatio's Lady Kit5 Teresa Spaci Ireth Natalie Riverdaughter Lizard2 Ivory Moon

You are all wonderful, kind-hearted people!

Disclaimer: I do not own Hornblower. And the world is thankful for that fact.

~*~~~*~***~*~***~*~*~**~**~***~~~~**~/*~*

Hornblower the things we DIDN'T see!- part 2

Picture the scene- the HMS Indefatigable makes its stately way through the water. Everything aboard is running smooth as clockwork (oh no, another anachronism, what shall we do? *swoons*). You relax as you begin to believe that the fic will be perfectly sane and normal. Heh heh heh. You shouldn't have relaxed...

"ACK! NO! NOT THE GOLDFISH! PLEASE, NOT THE GOLDFISH!"

"Horatio-"

"NO, JACK, NO! I WILL NOT SUBMIT! THE CURLING TONGS ARE MINE DAMMIT! AND THEY DO NOT EARN THEIR LIVINGS ON THEIR BACKS!"

"Horatio-"

"*GASP* MY LITTLE BLACK NUMBER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FAVOURITE SPARKLY OUTFIT! YOU B$!R)!"

Lieutenant Archie Kennedy sighed. Horatio's nightmares had been getting decidedly worse. Ever since that night he'd spent alone with Pellew in the captain's office/boudoir/cabin...his tall Welsh friend hadn't been the same- he was almost impossibly weirder.

With the ease of long practise, Archie carefully pulled the sobbing 'hero' into his arms and rocked him gently, singing a lullaby.

"Go to sleep  
Go to sleep  
Go to sleep little sailor

Close your eyes  
Hug your teddy  
The watch bell will soon wake you."

Horatio pushed his thumb into his mouth and smiled in his sleep. Suddenly aware of the damage such cuteness would cause the huge Hornblower fanbase, Archie pushed Horatio off of his bed and kicked his shins- at great risk to his health (have you ever SEEN a horde of righteous fangirls seeking revenge? Poor Archie.)

The younger officer blinked sleepily, causing Archie to wince. Those poor fangirls- the drool would be mounting. "Whassamarrer Arch? Wha 'appened?" Horatio's eyes filled with tears. "You pushed me! You meanie! I'm never talking to you again!"

Archie breathed in deeply and counted to ten under his breath. 'I will not kill Horatio, I will not kill Horatio, I will not kill Horatio.'

With no warning... no, sorry, with much stampeding and yelling, William Bush burst into the room and struck a dignified pose. Well, almost. Those damn chickens- they get everywhere and it's so easy to trip over one and be sent hurtling into a wall. Ouch.

Stunned, Bush simply lay in a pool of his own presence- no, literally. Bush was the sort of person who could fill a room with just himself there. It's something about the voice.

Caustiously Archie approached. You never want to upset a man with a lot of presence. "Mr Bush? Are you alright?"

Bush leapt up. "I'M JOLLY SPIFFING MR KENNEDY, HOW ARE YOU, OLD BEAN?"

Slammed against the wall by the force of the voice, Archie could only grin foolishly and watch in delight as a trio of pink elephant tap-danced merrily round his face.

Meanwhile, our erstwhile hero (who the hell came up with 'erstwhile'? it sounds like part of the small intestine! Yes, the processed food then travels from the small intestine into the large intestine via the erstwhile) , Horatio 'Oh-what-a-big-ship-I've-got' Hornblower had pulled himself up off the floor, dressed in his special orange two-piece and strode up on deck.

Standing on the sturdy wooden boards, surrounded by burly, sweating, half- naked sailors with bulging muscles, Horatio felt himself relax. Ahh, it was good to be the main character in a popular TV series! Noticing something amiss, Horatio cocked his head to one side. There was something terribly, horribly worng. Something so dreadfully awful that he couldn't think what it was. And he was scared. So he did what he always does when scared. He ripped off his shirt and dove into the sea.

After a pleasant swim, he dragged his shivering, tanned, well-built carcass back on deck. But something still wasn't quite right. He posed and looked beautifically thoughtful. But no, that didn't do it either. Having used up all of his usual answers, he did the one thing he could be sure would work. "AAAARRRRCCCCHHHHIIIIEEE!"

Faster than a speeding lorry driver on the way to a fast-food restaurant, Archie appeared- no pink elephants in sight. He checked his stop- watch...er...hour-glass thingy and clicked his tongue. Two seconds up on his last time, yes! He strode to Horatio and asked him what was wrong. His friend's face broke into a grin and he hugged Archie tightly. "Yay! Archie! Er," his face fell. "I can't remember what I wanted. Cheese?" Horatio offered Archie a soggy piece of cheese.

Archie declined with a sigh. He was going to have to use desperate measures. He reached into his magically bottomless pockets and pulled out various bits of string, yo-yos, apples, joke books and finger puppets. Cleverly he used ventriloquism to extract the info he wanted from Horatio. "So, something is wrong, eh?"

Horatio's face lit up like a pinball machine. "Yay, Mr Fluffy!"

Archie waved the puppets around a bit more, then gave up and went for a large capuchino in the resident coffee shop. Horatio followed, skipping merrily, and then had a tantrum because his milkshake wasn't large enough. And then (drumroll please), he remembered. Ah, milkshakes! Is there anything they can't do?

He tugged on Archie's sleeve. "!" he whined, irritatingly.

Archie sighed into his latte and looked up from his drink. "Yes, Horatio?"

Horatio giggled. "You have a moustache! Yoou'll have to shave it off!"

Archie wiped his mouth. Horatio's happy face became 'serious' again.

"Archie, where is Captain Pellew?"

Archie sat bolt upright. So THAT was why it had been so quiet! "I don't know. We should find him. Come on!"

Within ten minutes the whole crew was searching up and down, left to right, high and low, over and under, round and round, you take the high road and I'll take the low road. But there was no sign of the illustrious Captain. Then Archie had a brainwave.

"Horatio, strip off and dance around the deck!"

The dark-haired beauty pouted. "Why should I?"

"Because if you do, I'll give you a lollipop!"

"Yay! Okay!" Horatio quickly pulled off all his clothes and began to dance around on deck. There was a noise like a thousand stampeding buffalo and Pellew appeared, sprinting as fast as he could. He took one look at Horatio, then grabbed him and hauled him off to his office/boudoir/cabin for another round of 'Tie Horatio to the bed and *CENSORED*!'

~~~~~~

Later that day Bush, having completely recovered from his collision with the wall, came up on deck and went to stand next to Archie. "So Mr Kennedy, is Mr Hornblower free? I want to talk to him about something."

Archie grinned. "I think the chances of you being able to talk to Horatio right now are as big as Oldroyd's chance of surviving until the next serires. Next to none!"

THE END *~*~*~*~*~~**~*~**~**~~~*~***~*~**~~*~***~*~*


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